The Four Sons of Passover, reinterpreted for the modern age

March 2013 / Passover 5773

The Torah speaks of four sons: The wise doctor, the angry lawyer, the middling customer service rep, and the backpacker taking the year off and flirting with eastern religions.

The wise doctor asks: “Can eating unleavened bread for eight days really be good for you?”

To him, you shall say: “Better than eating General Tso’s chicken 50 times a year.”

The angry lawyer asks: “Why are we talking about the Exodus from Egypt when at this very moment, thousands of people are gathering outside the Supreme Court, calling on the Justices to compel the states to recognize the sanctity of same-sex marriage? #@% this (#&*@%!”

To him, you shall say: “Right there with you, kid, but I’m your father. You’re not billing me for this. Eat your charoset.”

The middling call center rep asks: “Sorry I mispronounced your name. Can I have your address and the last four digits of your social security number again, and then put you on hold for like half an hour?”

To him, you shall say: “You’ve been a disgrace to me since your mother brought you kicking and screaming into this world. Have some gefilte fish and try not to say anything else that embarrasses us in front of the Cohens.”

The backpacker who’s flirting with eastern religions is too stoned to ask anything. To him, you shall say: “The Beatles went through it, too. But if you’re gonna learn the sitar, actually learn it, okay? I wish you’d just gone into dentistry.”

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